Feb. 22, 2000 – That was the day when I stepped down a country outside India for the first time! (The airport in Frankfurt, Germany takes the credit though it was but a pit stop in my journey to the United States. Atlanta, Georgia was my port of entry in the U.S.A.) Ten years… ten years passed and I spent about 8 years and a half in the U.S.A! Most of it was in Ruston, Louisiana – that’s not just “some time” – in fact, I spent most of my life in Hyderabad (~12 years), and the secondmost was in Ruston! (I lived in Kurnool for ~7.5 years.) Okay, I’ll move on… into things that (may) matter.
What can 10 years do to anyone? A lot… but the answer depends so much on one’s age, and circumstances, and family, and society, …and life, of course!
What happened to me in 10 years? When I tried to list the good, the bad, and the ugly… and “publish” only things that are passable in public mention, a few highlights came up:
* Life outside India: For someone who loves India so much, this might seem the toughest thing… but no, why would I miss something I love? India is, and will always be, (in/with/around) me!
* Family: Now, that’s mostly out of scope for a “publishable” blog, but spending about 2 years with family is …less, more, alright? Again, the family that I love is with me. I did lose some people on the way… it pains, ever!
* Friends: For someone who spent nearly 50% of life with friends, it’s tough to separate family from friends - call me an emotional fool, but that’s what I always have been. Some friends, whom I don’t even want to call friends but only treat them as family, got closer than before the 10 years, and a few walked out of my life. It hurts to this day, to miss one of my dearest brothers for over 8 years… since Jan. 16, 2002… some damage is irrepairable. (At least one brother returned… and a lot more joined the flock in my heart. Time to rejoice? Time to forget the lost one? Never!) Most people who were close 10 years ago are still dear, and that’s something I still cherish – that’s something that tells me I am not “all wrong”… A lot more walked in and walked out, some casually and some closely… But, nothing is more hurting than the first wound that’s afresh always. I am sorry, brother, I still am… and I shall ever be! (Oh, by the way, let me admit that I wounded myself and several others too through my wails and wounds!)
* I: What have I done to myself?! Where am I!? Am I still around? This is the question that lingers on my mind each day, sub-consciously most of the time (thankfully), and conscisously several times in 10 years! A few attempts to end it all, a few attempts to try to learn what’s happening internally (albeit with external help), a few attempts to “refresh” and “reload” myself like a webpage by rejuvenating myself from my ashes (burning myself in the pyre of my poetry), several successful yet futile attempts to be “correct in everything I do”, several attempts to try to love people unconditionally (yet expecting reciprocation and thus failing myself many a time), all the while trying to keep myself “alive” …without knowing what happened to ME! Peace… has been evading me - as much as I avoided it – and short-(lived) temper had been a friend that took me in many a time. I succumbed to the temperament that hugged me tight and assured me that I can turn to it in any situation - against any individual/group/circumstance – the temparement that told me to accept my peacelessness and move on into the vanity of the vacuum that I soon learnt to call L-I-F-E. It took an effort… a lot of it… to believe that my people were not mine (And, how can they be, when I am not “I” any more?) and those that stayed with me thought I didn’t change any bit! Strange, isn’t it, that people who were in touch thought that I didn’t change in many ways (despite my attempts to clarify to them that I changed), and people who lost touch thought I changed a lot (though I struggled to prove that I didn’t change any bit)! …Wait a minute, what am I doing here?! Brooding over the past? Or, leaning over the future? Since when, my dear self, did you stop living in the present? How can I remember, when I lost the sense of time!? Yeah, yeah, ten years… it’s a sudden realization, of course! As sudden as all the rest of it is!
* Society: This has been my best teacher, friend, philosopher, guide, mentor, …and tormentor! All in all, it’s been my best love! (What else can I love unconditionally, when I expect something in return from every individual, God included, that I love!?) The Society of the last ten years made me a much better poet/writer, apart from reminding me that I was an aesthetic, artiste, critic, reviewer, student, learner, teacher, guide, philosopher, friend, lover, giver, taker, …parasite, maniac, rouge, escapist, and various other things unpublishable! Most of all, Society made me realize that I exist! That’s most of what I can today call “juice of my life”! Isn’t that why I push it constantly and try to expand it beyond all known bounds!
…One thing is certain. I did lose a lot of “something”… something that belongs to my family, to my friends, to my society, and to my self – innocence, purity, patience, piety, serenity of my own Ego! The child in me is still alive… struggling each moment to be alive …for all those rightful “owners” that I just mentioned! As much as I failed, I still can be quite successful at keeping a lot of my parents’ hopes on me shattered, at keeping my friends’ minds puzzled about my mindset, and keeping myself guessing about me still trying to understand myself while I try and answer all queries about anything else in the grand old Universe!
Ten years… what can ten years do to you? Time passes, of course… don’t let yourself pass! I am struggling with myself right now… but I know I am not letting myself pass with time! …I started writing my first major (English) prose aboard the flight from Mumbai to Frankfurt, ten years ago… “My Experiences outside India”, I titled it. It never moved on beyond a few days, yet all of it is fresh in my mind, how many times ever I may “format” and “reformat” my mind! See, I am alive! After all, what can mere ten years do to YOU!?
